I was in the business of Broadcasting for 20 years before I become a coach. As a result, I also spent a lot of time at live concerts entertaining customers where I had a very different experience and interpretation of “feedback.” For three decades the word “feedback” described the screeching sound that occurs when electronic instruments are too close to the humongous concert sized speakers. Depending on the venue, the sound can cause even the bravest rock and rollers to put their hands over the ears.
Now I hear the word used and misused by leaders and even professional coaches as a way to open a dialogue, but the truth is, it doesn’t . It shuts things down. Do you ever feel like holding your hand over your ears when someone offers you feedback? You know what that means, right? The next thing out of his mouth is going to be an opinion of what you have just done wrong. Feedback is a judgment and can leave even the strongest spirit disengaged.
Consider the Language:
“May I give you some feedback?” is a sneaky approach. You are not really asking permission and you really don’t care if they agree to the feedback. This is your agenda. Not a conversation starter. What happens if people just say “no, thanks?” I don’t care for your feedback right now. They never say anything other than, yes, because people want to be nice and inherently hate conflict. At some level we are all complicit to those in authority as if they have some magical power over us, so we say yes when we really mean “no way – why would I want to hear something negative after I just spent three weeks planning for this presentation and I know it didn’t land well. What I really need right now is time to reflect and articulate how I feel.”
When I see others offer feedback, I hear the screeching sound from the woofers and tweeters run through my mind. I want to say…”NOoooooooooooooo! Don’t. This is a ginormous buzz kill!” They already know – we all do – what worked and what didn’t work. We just need time to reflect and discuss what we might do differently and better in a similar situation. If we approach those we coach as whole and intelligent, we will begin to see and understand everyone really wants to give their best every day. Speak to their intentions to do so.
Let’s distinguish feedback from observation.
If feedback implies a judgment, sharing an observation implies that you have an opinion and you have witnessed something that may or may not be true. It is simply your view. You own it and offer it, but you don’t throw it at someone who is not ready to hear you.
For example:
“I have seen you in action today and I have some observations. May I share those with you now?”
That is a subtle change in how you approach others yet it invites a deeper exploration. The challenge is how to balance observations so that you are not using the words as a weapon or a covert way of saying, ‘here comes some feedback you need to have right now to let you know how you missed the mark!’“
“You are a gifted presenter, yet it seems you were nervous about this presentation. Would you like to share what you think went well and what you want to do differently?”
Perhaps an even better approach would be to set context prior to the field ride with the rep, the presentation to the board, the new hire training, the team building facilitation.
“Let’s determine the outcome you desire from this meeting. At the end of the meeting we will discuss our observations so that you understand immediately what worked well and have a place to discuss what you wish to change or do differently in the future. “
It lands softer and opens the door for partnership. It allows you to build trust as someone who cares. Offering someone feedback immediately puts them on the defensive. If a coach approach is the way you want to lead and develop others then take the word feedback out of your vocabulary!
