We are all story tellers and create our lives based on the stories we tell and the way we tell them. We are agile with this skill, even when we aren’t aware of our constant practice. And as a coach, I listen to hear how easily people change their experience based on how they shift their story.
Finish the sentence, “Once upon a time I was challenged by….”
Chances are that a challenge was presented to you by a person you called “Boss”. The challenge may have been wrapped in an event where you personally held an expectation that was resentment in the making. I have many examples of challenges that informed who I am today and most of those were based in expectations I had of others that went unfulfilled. I see that in some of my clients.
One of my personal challenges was a confrontation and something I heard about a lot when I first started coaching executive women. When I tell it, it sounds like this:
“Once upon a time I worked for a guy who was fresh out of military service and a bit of a hothead. He pulled me across my desk by the collar of my silk jacket. Red-faced he said, “I don’t know where you get off challenging me about political advertising rates, but this is the way it is going to be under my watch? I set the rates for politicians, get it?”
I had two choices in that moment which unfolded like a cartoon in my mind. Spit in his face and fight back in some way, or relax my body, slide back down to my side of the large desk and very deliberately tell him that he has crossed the line. I opted for the latter, went to the bathroom to splash cold water in my face, left the office and drove my new car around the block seven times until I could gather my thoughts. I found my center after being stunned and went back to face the reality that I was done with that job. Suing him didn’t cross my mind. Working for a bully wasn’t something that made the headlines. So, on that day I handled the encounter in a way that set me on a new course for my life. What I heard was my small internal voice saying, “Well sister, looks like the universe just flipped you out of this job and into a new space – could be exciting.”
While I didn’t have a clue about where I would go, I had a very direct conversation with the boss. Turns out he had made a call to the national headquarters with a story that was very different that what actually happened. He was their man. I was someone they inherited. There were no witnesses. So, I very clearly stated that he and I could make this a debate and we could spend energy neither of us wanted to spend, or we could focus on what was right for that team of sales people in the back office who had worked for me for three years and were very loyal. I could tell them my story or not. And, we made an agreement for me to keep my job for a few weeks so I could have time to consider the next move. The next day I received a call to interview for satellite- delivered TV and radio programs in a new division of a heritage broadcast company. I was in that job two weeks later.
Many stories about life challenges truly shape us, but we don’t get their significance until we view them in the rearview mirror. And, regardless of where a story starts, there is always a choice about how we respond to situations that challenge us. That choice in the moment is the alchemy and sparks our character, our resilience, our passions and commitments, and our wisdom to discern what is most right for us the next time we are faced with a big challenge.
Coaches often draw on our own experiences to guide others to fully experience the life and business they want to design, and sometimes to gain perspective when they feel victimized. We take advantage of this innate love of narrative to drive home concepts and initiate rich discussions. The delicious secret learned is that in listening deeply for the gold in other’s stories we are often inspired and influenced by what they have done in situations similar to our own. In listening to them, we find that how they overcame their challenges is often much more powerful than any advice we might offer and how they land, what they observe and learn informs who they are becoming as a contribution to others around them. We have the privilege of guiding them to see that we always have the opportunity to learn from each other.
Coach and colleague Lily Keyes recently said,
“I became a coach because I love to hear those stories and am willing to explore with my fellow storytellers the wealth of questions and answers they offer. Once when I had finished a story about my career, my coach asked me what themes I saw in the story. I immediately replied, “mediocrity.” I was surprised and dismayed at my answer, but before I could quickly backpedal, my coach questioned the accuracy of my conclusion. I found myself defending this self judgment and the next question stopped me cold. “How is this story serving you?” In that moment, something shifted for me, leading me to make important changes in my story and eventually my life.”
A coaching conversation is a precious space, and as coaches it is paramount that we constantly examine our own stories. When feeling bothered or worried about a challenge, I remind myself to stop and tell my story – to be a witness in my own life for how things work or don’t. Why did events play out the way they did? What am I feeling? What did I do? What lens am I using to view this situation?
Telling our stories helps us tap into a consciousness innate in us all and connects us to the richness of observation and learning. And, when we are vulnerable enough to share our stories, we create the space for others to share theirs – and we learn and grow.
