It seems of late that people are getting more tense and are participating in greater miscommunication in the world at large. It is happening on the job also. Many employees have had a work experience where they encountered a person who pushes their buttons and seems to set them off. Is there anything to be done so as not to head to the stratosphere in anger and frustration?
Imagine a colleague on the project just stated that he needs the report by tomorrow instead of three days from now. This is the third time he’s demanded something of you with short notice and you’re having a reaction. How do you know? You feel your pulse pick up. Your whole body tenses. You might grimace or grit your teeth. What do you do?
If you don’t catch yourself and become aware of where the discussion is headed, you might respond in a knee-jerk fashion and escalate a tense situation into a full-blown conflict. Once the amygdala (the part of your brain in charge of taking care of you in threatening situations) has a grip on you, it is very difficult to escape its hold without having a reaction.
However, it is possible to observe and recognize these warning signs in yourself, which affords you the space and time to consider many more options for an appropriate and effective response. For the strongest relationships and best outcomes, awareness and choice are what you want in every situation, especially the tense ones.
Here are some tips that might be helpful.
Take a break and a breath
When you prevent yourself from blurting something out by stopping the conversation, suggesting a break, and taking some deep breaths, you give the auto-response part of your brain time to cool down and hand over the reins to a more executive functioning part that might get us back on a better path. One could state, “I need a minute to collect myself because I was surprised by something you just said. Can we take a short break?”
Discuss process, not substance, for a moment
Sometimes the way people talk about something starts preventing us from actually talking about it, and there seems to be a gap between the desired communication process and what is happening. It gives a moment to step back from the content and allows a joint decision on how to best have the conversation. One way to do so is to say, “I am noticing that when we talk about this issue, our tones change, we seem to get more animated and start to cut each other off. I imagine there is some tension on the topic (I know I feel it in myself), and I wonder if we could try to not interrupt each other so we can fully hear and understand one another.”
Use curiosity to focus on their perspective
Many of our conversations derail because our brains are so much faster than our mouths and have often filtered the data and jumped to a conclusion that was missing some key piece of information. If you get genuinely curious and ask questions to find out what the other party is thinking, you might uncover something that can help dial back the misunderstanding and escalation. It will be easier to share your perspective when you have shown understanding of theirs. For example, “You mentioned that you struggle at the beginning of a project. What parts in particular are challenging?”
Add a little levity
When possible and appropriate, if you can say something humorous that won’t add to the conflict, it may help break the tension. I find a little self-deprecation can work well. “Wow—if I really said that to you and meant it, I would think I was a monster too.”
Become a parrot and paraphrase
Misunderstanding happens so quickly with our interpretations of what was said or done. Paraphrasing back the sentiment, summary or gist of what was discussed or done and checking for understanding can be an effective way to slow down the conversation so it doesn’t get out of hand. “I think I understood you to say that when I request that you take on another assignment without first asking what is currently on your plate, it feels assumptive and it becomes difficult for you to raise objections because it makes it seem you are not a team player. Is that right?”
Consider your contribution to the escalation
One quick way to slow down the tension is to become accountable to anything that you did or said that may have added some fuel to the conversation going awry. Could something you said have a different meaning to the other person? Did you have a tone that felt less collaborative or added tension? To rectify the situation, maybe say something like, “I realize that I seemed like I was accusing you and ascribed a bad intention on your part without checking first what you meant. I could have asked more questions to understand better.”
In order to begin to reduce the tensions in our communication, it’s important to take charge of ourselves and our half of the conversation. Utilizing even a couple of these methods can help prevent and manage conflicts that arise, promote more tension-free discussions, and lead to successful outcomes.
Heather Meeker Green is the managing director at Accordence, Inc.
