For 22 years, I’ve had the privilege of leading the nonprofit, Extra Special People (ESP). We have grown from a small local nonprofit into a multi-community organization with hundreds of employees. I’ve watched people work, lead, struggle, grow, succeed and, sometimes, fail.

Along the way, I’ve learned something about leadership that I wish I had understood much earlier: Empathy is important, but empathy alone is not leadership.

Empathy helps us understand what someone else is experiencing. Compassion asks what we will do about it. And sometimes, the most compassionate thing a leader can do is expect more from someone, not less.

If we want to develop strong managers, we have to teach them how to care for people without removing the expectations that help them grow.

When Understanding Becomes Excusing

Many managers have learned to equate empathy with making things easier for people.

Someone misses a deadline, so we move it. Someone consistently underperforms, so we compensate for them. Someone avoids a difficult responsibility, so we give it to the person who always gets things done.

We call it understanding. But what feels compassionate to one employee can become deeply unfair to everyone else. Someone else carries the extra work, and the dependable employee gets exhausted. Frustration grows because no one is willing to say what needs to be said.

After leading people for more than two decades, I’ve come to see accountability as one of the most overlooked forms of compassion.

Accountability says, “I see what you are carrying. I want to understand what is getting in your way. I will help where I can. And I still believe you are capable of what is being asked of you.”

Continually lowering expectations may feel kind, but it can send a message that was never intended: “I don’t believe you can do this.”

Stop Rescuing and Start Coaching

I learned this when I hired Lily, one of our members at ESP, to work on my team. Lily has Down syndrome — and a thriving acting career with several Netflix credits. I wanted her to learn fundraising, marketing, hospitality and service. I wanted to discover what she could do, not decide it for her.

In practice, I kept wanting to help. Sometimes it was faster to do something myself. Sometimes I could make it easier for her. And sometimes, if I’m honest, helping made me feel good … or covered the fact that I wasn’t entirely sure she could do it.

Recently, Lily joined me on an 11-city book tour in 11 weeks. We passed through airports, travel snafus, changing schedules, long days and the responsibility of documenting it all.

There were many moments when stepping in would have been easier. Instead, I had to ask myself, “Am I helping Lily, or am I communicating that I don’t think she can do this?”

So I started rescuing less and coaching more.

It wasn’t always smooth. There were mistakes, frustrations and hard conversations. I had to resist taking work back simply because I could do it faster.

Still, Lily rose to the occasion. She is more capable, confident and independent today because we gave her real responsibility and coached her through it.

She taught me that lowering the bar isn’t always kindness. Sometimes it’s our own discomfort disguised as compassion.

Give Managers a Way to Practice

At ESP, two of our core values sit beside each other: Compassion, Freely Given and Activating the Abilities of All.

Compassion entails choosing care without lowering standards. Activating abilities means finding the spark in another person and fanning it through coaching.

We need managers who can hold both.

When someone is struggling, teach managers to work through three questions:

• What do I need to understand? Approach the situation with curiosity. Listen before deciding what the problem is.
• What does this person need from me? It may be clarity, training and development, encouragement, resources or coaching. Give support without taking away ownership.
• How will we create accountability? Name the expectation, define what success looks like, and agree on the next action. Then put that action somewhere visible — on the wall, in the weekly meeting or wherever the team naturally tracks progress.

Managers should practice these questions with real situations, not just hear about them in a leadership development session. Let them work through a missed deadline, a recurring performance problem or a team member who is carrying more than their share.

The employee should leave the conversation knowing what they own, what support they have and when the follow-up will happen. That matters more than whether the conversation felt comfortable.

Accountability Is Belief

Accountability without compassion says, “Do better.” Empathy without accountability says, “I understand why you can’t.” And compassionate accountability says, “I understand, and I believe you can.”

After 22 years of leadership, I’ve held on to people too long. I’ve rescued when I should have coached. I’ve confused being liked with being a good leader.

However, I’ve also watched people become extraordinary because someone believed enough in them to expect more.

Accountability isn’t punishment. Done well, accountability is belief.

It says: “Your work matters. Your contribution is meaningful. Other people depend on you. And I believe you can rise to this.”

People don’t need leaders who only feel for them. They need leaders who care enough to help them become who they are capable of becoming. That is compassion, and it looks a lot like accountability.